I'm having man-trouble, again. This time though, it's a problem of saturation & quality. Too many men, of questionable calibre, and not enough time.
The Artist: true to form, he's attempting to sweep me off my feet, shower me with presents, sensuality & creativity, while being unpredictable, moody, needy and unstable. AND he keeps really odd hours. With me starting grad school this week - that ain't gonna work.
The Lover: he's been admiring me from afar. Problem is, he thinks that since he's been admiring me (via this blog) from afar longer than we've actually interacted, he feels that he knows me. I want(ed) to tell him gently, that this blog is only a slice of my life/me, it may not be an accurate representation of who I am (or it may - who can say what he gained from it?). However, I'd have to remain interested to do that - and I've definitely lost interest in convincing him that the idea of me he has in his head, isn't necessarily me. If you read this, we had a fair shot, and we missed. There is someone else out there for you though.
The Geek: I'm not sure what to make of this one. He's attractive, but really geeky. And his mom is staying with him. After two relatively benign dates - I'm feverishly searching for some chemistry, and not finding it. Hmmm.....the haphanded passes at me aren't helping. Note to self: talk to him about the juvenile attempts at getting at me - we're both too old for the accidentally brushing against me...what is this, high school?
The Entrepreneur: I don't even know why I'm adding this dude to the list, except to illustrate a point. He's busy - sound familiar? Really busy. So busy, in fact, that despite myriad attempts on my part to meet him, we have yet to meet. He reminds me a lot of the ex in this regard, and I'm beginning to think that I enjoy the chase more than the conquest. He still assures me that he's interested, really interested, despite the fact that our schedules conflict. Yeah, right...oh and about that ex, the one that isn't really an ex...
and of course we have, JC: He called me 08/25/04 @ 12noon, and left a really simple message: "Hey, it's me. Don't you ever think that I don't love you. Aight, bye." The problem (I thought I'd explained this before, but it seems I haven't) is that he has issues. Financial issues, issues with his business, family issues, children issues - all typical stuff, but very dramatic, and some pretty tragic. I love him, and have been loving him for more than 3 years. He's been my best friend, my knight in shining armor, my confidant, my lover, my father, my brother, and my worst enemy. If the situation were different, and he asked, I'd marry him tomorrow. That's my heart's honest truth, as much as I can tell it.
However, I see him - quarterly...sometimes monthly (when things are good) sometimes semiannually. It's August, and while I have seen him within the last 30 days, I haven't spent more than 20 minutes with him since March 2004. We haven't gone on a "date" since 2001. We live in the same city, within 20 miles of each other, and I just can't conceive of how this happens. I've attempted to fix this as much as I can. He owns his own business, and is busy with work 7 days/week - in and out of town. I've tried to meet him at work, figuring a good 5 minutes would ease my frustration, and I am more than a little frustrated. To no avail. I feel like he's straight-armin' me - and I've told him as much - until he can fix his issues. Which is a little like plugging a damn with chewing gum. While I understand that he wants to be the man I deserve (the man he thinks I need) before he comes to me, I can't get him to understand that I need to be with the man he is, with all the issues, flaws, etc. I can't have the perfect person, not if we intend to do the "rest of our lives, together dance", because it will never be perfect...there is no perfect when it come to the rest of it, 'cept that we're together.
I've tried hard not to compare others to him, but that's almost inevitable. Why does that simple message give me butterflies? Why does that message thrill me more than the dates I've had with these other guys? Why am I still so hung up over someone who's not there? And how can I replace the one who was never there in the first place?
I need to make a firm and final decision about JC. But I can't. Don't want to move on without the next candidate, yanno? And again, how do I replace the one who was never there in the first place?
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
purple
purple
My breasts betray my mouth’s lie,
And in his bed I
lie
Rational ize -ing
The passion in his hazel eye
His lovelust for me, at once ancient, and fleeting
I, his faithful concubine
My logic defeating
his endeavors to become my liege, my voodoo priest
He brings me rose incense, Sandlewood,
Creating my brew, with leaves from a carob tree
He tickles my nipples with his locs,
And uses Turmeric Oil to anoint me
Coaxing squirming amongst my giggles
Filling the empty spaces with his fast depth
Causing back to arch, whispering my name in secret places
Refusing to allow me time to take breath
Or even engage another suitor…
And as I don my ceremonial adornments…
Gangster pinstripes, with herringbone tweed shoes
Flesh colored nylons, Velvet roses on my cloche
Can’t help visualizing the end of the affair
Praying for the whimper & wane, as opposed to the decompose
Turning up the fur collar on my coat
We kiss
And he says those things that masters say to engage their mistresses
Things like “I like” and “I miss”…
While I think to myself he means them
As much as he can
The analytical in me consoles me
He is as much artist, as he is man
For now, I am his muse
His fire, and his inspiration
But when that flame is doused
With the ash, goes his dedication
What we have burns too bright
Much, much too bright to last
So even if he believes the truth in his words
I know, eventually, my logic will his hopes dash
Against the waves of reality
for he is not my destiny
and I, not always meant to be
his Mousa
so I close the door as I leave, again
just grateful for the passion
that is Just This Very Second
and I Am
purple
©2004 Sagacious Media
My breasts betray my mouth’s lie,
And in his bed I
lie
Rational ize -ing
The passion in his hazel eye
His lovelust for me, at once ancient, and fleeting
I, his faithful concubine
My logic defeating
his endeavors to become my liege, my voodoo priest
He brings me rose incense, Sandlewood,
Creating my brew, with leaves from a carob tree
He tickles my nipples with his locs,
And uses Turmeric Oil to anoint me
Coaxing squirming amongst my giggles
Filling the empty spaces with his fast depth
Causing back to arch, whispering my name in secret places
Refusing to allow me time to take breath
Or even engage another suitor…
And as I don my ceremonial adornments…
Gangster pinstripes, with herringbone tweed shoes
Flesh colored nylons, Velvet roses on my cloche
Can’t help visualizing the end of the affair
Praying for the whimper & wane, as opposed to the decompose
Turning up the fur collar on my coat
We kiss
And he says those things that masters say to engage their mistresses
Things like “I like” and “I miss”…
While I think to myself he means them
As much as he can
The analytical in me consoles me
He is as much artist, as he is man
For now, I am his muse
His fire, and his inspiration
But when that flame is doused
With the ash, goes his dedication
What we have burns too bright
Much, much too bright to last
So even if he believes the truth in his words
I know, eventually, my logic will his hopes dash
Against the waves of reality
for he is not my destiny
and I, not always meant to be
his Mousa
so I close the door as I leave, again
just grateful for the passion
that is Just This Very Second
and I Am
purple
©2004 Sagacious Media
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
sacrificing on the altar of beauty (again)
Guys, this is really a SHALLOW, feminine topic kinda post - and more of a reference for any woman thinking about this cosmetic procedure - so feel free to click off (ESPECIALLY if we're dating)...lol
So, I have to start off admitting something...
<sigh> I'm hairy <sigh>
I've had facial hair ever since I was 17 years old, and have tried just about all removal methods: Nair, bleaching (not really a removal method, and a horrible idea for black women...hair turned bright red...lol) shaving,electrolysis, tweezing, waxing, epil (what sadist invented that?), etc. So, I finally broke down & got Laser Hair Removal. Yes, it's expensive, but I wanted a permanent solution.
The location:: Skin Solutions Inc.
The process:: My aesthetician was Travis, and he was pretty thorough in explaining what I should expect. The laser he used was a Cool Glide laser - 1064 ND:YAG, which is designed to safely be used on tanned and dark skin. The cool glide handpiece REALLY cools your skin, just before the laser pulse is applied, and after the treatment.
The laser felt like a "rubber band snapping against your skin" according to Travis, which was accurate. Now it's only slightly painful - sorta like if you've ever used Nair, and left it on a little too long. The entire laser session was probably only 15 minutes - and I have a LOT of facial hair. He did a patch test behind my ears, toward the hairline, to judge what level he could use on the laser, and since he was satisfied and I was ok, we went ahead and did the first treatment. My skin was very tender afterward, and most (but not all) of the hair is gone. There were a few stray hairs, that I shaved (the only method they suggest doing between treatments) off. Also, this doesn't work on white (grey) hair (I have those, and I shaved them too).
After the treatment, Travis suggested using a combination of aloe vera gel, and moisturizers on the treated skin. He also suggested a SkinCeuticals SPF 45 moisturizer, since per Travis, the treated skin is susceptible to burning. Of course I bought it...
The aftermath::
Day 1 - face was just slightly painful - like a slightly overdone relaxer treatment
Day 2 - same
Day 3 - SWELLING!!!! Some of the hair on my face is VERY thick/coarse, and very dark. The technician spent a lil more time in those areas, than others - and those swelled, like pimples. I probably had about 6-8 swollen spots on each cheek, and 1-2 on my chin. VERY not cute.
Day 4 - scabbing. Have you ever seen men who have had beards for a long period of time, shave? The skin underneath ends up looking red & tender, & then may scab over. That was how my sideburns looked. At this point, I called the salon like "HELP!!!". They told me try Neosporin & stay out of the sun...I never made it to the store, but kept using that SPF 45 sunscreen...
Day 5 - bumpy & scabby :(
Day 6 - swelling begins to go down. I cancel my appointment to let the technician make sure it is ok - the scabbing/swelling's gone down enuff that I can tell it'll be gone in a day or two...
Day 10 - swelling's completely gone, and scabbing is also gone. There's a dark patch on each sideburn - right where the scabbing was. I've continued to use the sunscreen, and stayed outta the sun, and I'll check & see if I should use a hydroquinone based lightener to fade that spot, or just let it fade on it's own...
That's it so far. The tech said the swelling was probably due to the level he used during treatment, and he'd scale back next time - YES, I'm going back :D. Even with all that drama, my cheeks are relatively hair free, and the skin is slightly smoother than before I started, so...
So, I have to start off admitting something...
<sigh> I'm hairy <sigh>
I've had facial hair ever since I was 17 years old, and have tried just about all removal methods: Nair, bleaching (not really a removal method, and a horrible idea for black women...hair turned bright red...lol) shaving,electrolysis, tweezing, waxing, epil (what sadist invented that?), etc. So, I finally broke down & got Laser Hair Removal. Yes, it's expensive, but I wanted a permanent solution.
The location:: Skin Solutions Inc.
The process:: My aesthetician was Travis, and he was pretty thorough in explaining what I should expect. The laser he used was a Cool Glide laser - 1064 ND:YAG, which is designed to safely be used on tanned and dark skin. The cool glide handpiece REALLY cools your skin, just before the laser pulse is applied, and after the treatment.
The laser felt like a "rubber band snapping against your skin" according to Travis, which was accurate. Now it's only slightly painful - sorta like if you've ever used Nair, and left it on a little too long. The entire laser session was probably only 15 minutes - and I have a LOT of facial hair. He did a patch test behind my ears, toward the hairline, to judge what level he could use on the laser, and since he was satisfied and I was ok, we went ahead and did the first treatment. My skin was very tender afterward, and most (but not all) of the hair is gone. There were a few stray hairs, that I shaved (the only method they suggest doing between treatments) off. Also, this doesn't work on white (grey) hair (I have those, and I shaved them too).
After the treatment, Travis suggested using a combination of aloe vera gel, and moisturizers on the treated skin. He also suggested a SkinCeuticals SPF 45 moisturizer, since per Travis, the treated skin is susceptible to burning. Of course I bought it...
The aftermath::
Day 1 - face was just slightly painful - like a slightly overdone relaxer treatment
Day 2 - same
Day 3 - SWELLING!!!! Some of the hair on my face is VERY thick/coarse, and very dark. The technician spent a lil more time in those areas, than others - and those swelled, like pimples. I probably had about 6-8 swollen spots on each cheek, and 1-2 on my chin. VERY not cute.
Day 4 - scabbing. Have you ever seen men who have had beards for a long period of time, shave? The skin underneath ends up looking red & tender, & then may scab over. That was how my sideburns looked. At this point, I called the salon like "HELP!!!". They told me try Neosporin & stay out of the sun...I never made it to the store, but kept using that SPF 45 sunscreen...
Day 5 - bumpy & scabby :(
Day 6 - swelling begins to go down. I cancel my appointment to let the technician make sure it is ok - the scabbing/swelling's gone down enuff that I can tell it'll be gone in a day or two...
Day 10 - swelling's completely gone, and scabbing is also gone. There's a dark patch on each sideburn - right where the scabbing was. I've continued to use the sunscreen, and stayed outta the sun, and I'll check & see if I should use a hydroquinone based lightener to fade that spot, or just let it fade on it's own...
That's it so far. The tech said the swelling was probably due to the level he used during treatment, and he'd scale back next time - YES, I'm going back :D. Even with all that drama, my cheeks are relatively hair free, and the skin is slightly smoother than before I started, so...
Thursday, August 12, 2004
humanity
excuse me, but i was wondering if
you’d let my humanity, touch your humanity
if we could meet and let our souls intertwine
for one brief, blisteringly shining moment
may i, let down my guard, and reveal my essence
will you, in turn, show me, why you smile
my life in a world that is
brief, hard, dry, sharp, and bitter
filled with fullness, packed with distractions
gradually, and at once, so busy and empty
i
needing to find something
long, soft, slow, sweet and wet
while wanting for the happily,
and the ever after
also longing for the lengthy glance,
intimate eye contact, and uncomfortable butterflies
in your brief hello, i noticed that the sun rose, and sparrows sang
and, in your smile i found the truth that is truly love
as you held the door open for me
you headed to your world, your life
me, heading to mine
it struck me that we spend all our time, too much
creating distance
when time was always supposed to be about
connecting
filling the spaces between the seconds with life, love
so
if you don’t mind
i’d love for your spirit, to share my spirit’s space
for at least a moment
i’m not necessarily looking for forever
(hell, you may not even be worthy of my forever)
but i’d like for my Right Now to mean more than
Just This Very Second
and while you think you know what you want
i’m more concerned with what you need
and i need
for your humanity, to touch my humanity
and if you don’t mind
i’d love for your spirit, to share my spirit’s space
for at least a moment…
and for your smile to sit down next to
my smile...
© 2004 Sagacious Media
you’d let my humanity, touch your humanity
if we could meet and let our souls intertwine
for one brief, blisteringly shining moment
may i, let down my guard, and reveal my essence
will you, in turn, show me, why you smile
my life in a world that is
brief, hard, dry, sharp, and bitter
filled with fullness, packed with distractions
gradually, and at once, so busy and empty
i
needing to find something
long, soft, slow, sweet and wet
while wanting for the happily,
and the ever after
also longing for the lengthy glance,
intimate eye contact, and uncomfortable butterflies
in your brief hello, i noticed that the sun rose, and sparrows sang
and, in your smile i found the truth that is truly love
as you held the door open for me
you headed to your world, your life
me, heading to mine
it struck me that we spend all our time, too much
creating distance
when time was always supposed to be about
connecting
filling the spaces between the seconds with life, love
so
if you don’t mind
i’d love for your spirit, to share my spirit’s space
for at least a moment
i’m not necessarily looking for forever
(hell, you may not even be worthy of my forever)
but i’d like for my Right Now to mean more than
Just This Very Second
and while you think you know what you want
i’m more concerned with what you need
and i need
for your humanity, to touch my humanity
and if you don’t mind
i’d love for your spirit, to share my spirit’s space
for at least a moment…
and for your smile to sit down next to
my smile...
© 2004 Sagacious Media
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
the explanation follows
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
yes, it's been a while since I posted - and I'm blogstipated again.
note: there's nothing really wrong - that's a combo yawn/scream.
ok, so I guess I should explain why:
yes, it's been a while since I posted - and I'm blogstipated again.
note: there's nothing really wrong - that's a combo yawn/scream.
ok, so I guess I should explain why:
- windows XP caused my laptop to die. literally. I managed to bring it back to life, but not until many conversations (arguments) with HP technical non-support. needless to say, my software is pretty much gone, so I'm still in the process of rebuilding it. 'nuff said.
- I hate my job. I endure the Commute of Death daily, to get to it. Spend more time there than I do sleeping. It's what I want, but not in the way I want it. Damn, am I ever satisfied? Ok, let me rephrase:
- I like what I do...
- ...and I like some of my team-members
- but I resent my management team - the entire team...
- our promotion process resembles a fraternity pledge process (complete with hazing)...
- and I don't care much for some of my department's staff either
The cons are definitely outweighing the pros at this point. I busted my a$$, and spent many nights sleepless, to get my "dream" job, only to realize that I hate it. 'go figure - Grad school starts shortly - and the job won't pay for it. again, go figure.
- I'm bored with my hair, and want a texturizer. badly. I'm trying hard to resist.
- <sigh> My social life is only slightly more satisfying than it was while I was completing my undergrad (you remember - when it didn't exist?).
- My Aunt Flo came & went last week, so my whining is NOT PMS.
- I'm not feeling any of the presidential candidates: Bush, Kerry or Nader - not even good old Al as a write-in. Not even feeling the "democratic process" (yeah, the Electoral College works for you - yeah, right). You know what - that in and of itself is worthy of its own post - I'll add more to this thought later.
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